You Can't Ruin Christmas Read online

  Other than plane crash guy.

  Hmm.

  “Is he cute?” I ask her, because that’s the important question to ask when someone crashes their plane into your backyard in Alaska.

  “Very,” she responds, in an uncomfortable way. “Anyway. How are things going with Sebastian? Did he propose yet? Mom says that even when Dad’s memory is failing, he always remembers that you’ve got a great boyfriend. He constantly asks, ‘When is Mary getting married?’ It’s one of the happiest things he looks forward to in life.”

  Well, that’s awesome. That’s not a punch to the gut at all.

  “Things are good,” I respond to my sister glumly, unable to tell the truth again. I also don’t want to make this about me. “Except I was trying to get laid yesterday, and he just made me an eggnog protein shake, instead. It was delicious, but I didn’t want eggnog at that particular moment—I wanted him to nog my eggs, if you know what I mean.”

  “Mary… honey, no one ever knows what you mean.”

  “So, what’s the name of plane-crash guy?”

  Eve groans. “His name is Adam, and he keeps making these gross Adam and Eve jokes that are so lame, but also so weirdly sexy. You know I hate Adam and Eve jokes—so why do I find his sexy? Maybe I’m losing my mind. I just haven’t been around much testosterone in years, since I moved out here. Like, if I tried to use Tinder, there are so few humans around that I would end up swiping left and right on polar bears. Or maybe black bears. Kodiaks? Grizzlies… I don’t know what kind of bears are around, actually.”

  “Well, Eve, if you’re so picky about the type of bear you date, you’re never going to find a good bear,” I tell her, biting my lip to keep from laughing.

  “Ugh,” she says with annoyance. “I am just like around 69% sure I’m going to get murdered. But also around 29% sure that I’m going to get laid, and like 2% sure I’m going to get pregnant.”

  “Pregnant?” I ask.

  “Hello, I am surrounded by hundreds of miles of snow and there isn’t a store around for like three hours. I don’t have any condoms in the house, because I never have any men in the house.”

  “Do you think maybe there were some condoms in Santa’s Sleigh?” This is a question I never thought I would ever ask anyone in my life. I find myself grinning madly. I am sure that Santa has lots of delightful gifts to bring joy to grown-up boys and girls, too. Ho ho ho!

  “Even if they were, they would have burned up in the crash. Or frozen since the crash. Do condoms freeze? I guess they could have been both burned and then frozen, and I don’t think those sound like very effective condoms to use, right? So—yeah, if he keeps looking at me like that, I might get pregnant.”

  “Yikes. Someone’s going to find out what it means to get her eggs nogged!”

  “That’s not funny, Mary.”

  “Can I be a good sister and Amazon-Prime you some condoms? Does Amazon even work in Alaska?”

  “Of course, it does. This isn’t Antarctica. But sometimes the bears steal packages from your front porch—especially if they think the boxes might contain food. I’ve lost some groceries that way.”

  “See, Eve? You shouldn’t have rejected all those good bears on Tinder. I bet some of them even Super-Liked you. Now the bears will keep cockblocking you, and you’ll never be able to get condoms for Christmas.”

  “Oh my god,” she says with a sigh. “Well, unfortunately, due to my location, most packages also take over seven days to arrive. That’s the fastest shipping I can expect. It gets worse during snowstorms, of course. Way worse than Minnesota.”

  “Damn, girl. When you say you’re escaping society, you actually really escape society.”

  “I try my best,” Eve says proudly. “So, how’s the latest audiobook coming along?”

  I forgot to mention that a small percentage of the work I do is for my sister. “I am in the recording studio right now, finishing it up. Should I try to get it done before heading home? I think the soonest flight I can get is this evening. But it could take me three or four days to finish this, especially with edits…”

  “A little bird told me that an awesome sister of yours had a recording studio set up in the basement of the family home in Snowflake Creek. Complete with equipment. So, you can just head home immediately and finish it up there.”

  “When did you do that?” I ask with surprise.

  “I’ve known that Dad was getting worse for a while, and I wanted us to be able to go home at a moment’s notice without it disrupting your work, in case of emergency.”

  “That’s really thoughtful, Eve. But I wish you had told me.”

  “I didn’t want to worry you if it wasn’t serious.” Her voice sounds a little down. “I thought maybe Mom had it under control…”

  “It’s okay,” I tell her. “I’m booking my flight for tonight, and I’ll give you updates as soon as I arrive. You focus on taking care of Adam. The very first man to crash land in your snowy paradise. Your wintery Garden of Eden. Can I just offer one piece of sisterly advice?”

  “No. Don’t. Mary. Seriously.”

  “Don’t eat the apple, Eve. Don’t eat Adam’s apple.”

  She groans. “I hate you.”

  Chapter Eight

  After the phone call with Eve, I immediately purchase my plane ticket online. I save my work and upload it to the cloud so I can edit it later. Then I head to my room to start packing. I try to replace the worried thoughts of my parents with amused thoughts about Adam and Eve. My sister is a really wonderful person, in my totally unbiased opinion, and she deserves to find someone. I think we all just assumed she would remain single forever, because of her isolated location and lack of a social life. Clara was saying that we should set her up on some dates when she came to Minnesota for Christmas.

  But a plane crash in her backyard? That sounds like a super romantic way to meet someone. As long as she doesn’t get murdered, of course.

  Fingers crossed.

  There is a bit of a silly smile on my face as I rush around my bedroom, grabbing various items and stuffing them into my suitcase. I did not realize I had left my door ajar, and Sven has entered the room.

  “Are you going somewhere?” he asks me.

  “Yeah,” I respond, without looking up from my packing.

  “To see my brother?” he asks, and his voice sounds sad.

  “What? No.” I pause to look over at his face. “My dad is having trouble with his memory. Is that what you’re concerned about? That I’m not over Sebastian? You think I would jump on a plane to see him at a moment’s notice, if he asked? After he dumped me?”

  “I don’t know,” he answers with a shrug. “You guys were together a really long time. You haven’t gotten rid of his things.”

  “I’ve just been busy! Busy working, and busy working out with you, in case you didn’t notice. I also don’t really care about his stuff. I mean, it’s annoying that it takes up space, but my belongings are already organized. Why should I have to immediately waste more time reorganizing my life because he decided he doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore?”

  “I’m sorry,” Sven says. “I just didn’t know—”

  “My life is fine as it is. My life works. Despite it being imperfect, despite me being less successful than my siblings. Despite having to share my apartment with roommates instead of owning hundreds of acres of Christmas trees or magical arctic tundra where men fall from the sky, I like my life.”

  “Christmas trees?” Sven repeats. “Magical arctic tundra?”

  “My parents have a farm, and my sister—it’s not important. I just shouldn’t have to drop everything to spend hours going through every drawer and cleaning out my closet to prove to you that I’m over Sebastian!”

  “I’m really sorry, Mary. It just happened so recently, and people get back together all the time after breakups, after all kinds of terrible things. I just wanted to be sure…”

  “You are not a replacement!” I nearly shout at him. “I’m n
ot so desperate and pathetic that I would latch onto the nearest thing with a penis!

  “Thing with a penis?” he asks with surprise.

  “What about you?” I accuse. “How do I know you’re over Sebastian? You said you liked working out with me because you missed working out with him! How do I know that you don’t just see me as a sibling, as a stand-in. You spent all that time thinking of me as your future sister-in-law, maybe that’s still how you see me.”

  “Mary, I don’t put my hands all over my brother like that when we work out.”

  “Oh, yeah? I don’t believe you. You barely touched me.”

  “I also never had to change into baggy shorts in the middle of a workout with him.”

  “Why did you change your shorts?” I ask him.

  “You know why,” he answers gruffly.

  “I want to hear you say it, Sven.”

  “Fine. It’s because I’m insanely attracted to you and staring at you in those tight pants makes me so rock hard that I can barely function, and I spend every waking moment thinking about doing things to you that would make you scream my name and forget my brother ever existed. And after we kissed yesterday, I had to jerk off so hard that I’m surprised it’s even still attached to me. Happy?”

  I sit down abruptly on the bed as my cheeks turn red. “Very.”

  “Good,” he says, moving over to sit beside me. “Good talk,” he says with a chuckle, reaching over and taking my hand. “I think that was our first fight.”

  I lean against his shoulder with a sigh. “We shouldn’t let stupid Sebastian make us fight and ruin the holidays even worse than he already has.”

  “We won’t,” he assures me, eyeing my suitcase. “When are you leaving?”

  “Tonight,” I respond. “Flight is at 11pm.”

  “How long will you be gone?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe a month or so—I didn’t buy a return ticket. I’m just going to see how long they need me.”

  “That’s a long time,” he says, rubbing his thumb over my palm. “I was hoping to spend more time with you this Christmas. I had all these plans…”

  “I’m going to miss you, too,” I tell him, still snuggling against his shoulder.

  “Did you want to try to do something together before you leave?” he asks, putting his hand on my thigh and running his fingers along my quadricep. I can’t believe I just called it that in my head. He must be really rubbing off on me.

  “Yes, please,” I respond.

  Sven smiles. “I had prepared a surprise for you at the gym, and I would really love to give it to you before you leave.”

  I groan. “More gym, Sven? I thought we could do something different. Like a date, or…”

  “I would love to take you on a date,” he says. “But unfortunately, I have some appointments to meet some people at the gym in a few minutes. I was just heading over there now when I saw you packing and freaked out,” he exhales a shuddering breath of relief. “If you were flying to see Seb, I think I would have lost my mind. I mean, I would have tried to play it cool, but I’d be smashing things as soon as you left the loft.”

  I turn to the side and press a kiss against his shoulder. “So, you really like me then?” I ask in amazement.

  “More than a little,” he responds.

  “I like you too,” I tell him wrapping my arms around his middle. “I did not think you were very attracted to me yesterday, when you just dumped me on the bed and walked away.”

  “That was not my best moment,” he admits, “but I promise I'll make it up to you.”

  “I mean, you’re on my bed now,” I say, sliding my fingers toward his waistband. “At the scene of the crime, so to speak.”

  He catches my fingers in his hand, and lifts them to his lips to give them a kiss. “No rushing things, Mary. I need to take you on that proper date first. Prove to you that I’m more than just a thing with a penis.”

  “I already see you as more than that, Sven. You’ve been so sweet and caring this last week. But I could use some reassurance that you are into me.”

  He sighs. “Actually, the truth is that I have liked you all along. I liked you way before Sebastian did. I used to buy tickets to the plays in college, over and over again, just to watch you on stage. A Christmas Carol, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, A Streetcar Named Desire. My brother caught me staring at you one day, in the cafeteria, and he asked me what was going on. I just felt like birds started singing every time you entered the room, and I gave him a stupid answer. Something silly like, ‘Seb, I’m going to marry that girl one day.’ And he laughed and said, ‘Not if I can marry her first.’ He went over and talked to you and moved so aggressively while I was still gathering my courage—I just never had a chance.”

  “You came to see my plays?” I ask with a lump in my throat. “I had no idea.”

  “I was kind of shy back then. Maybe a lot of guys are in their early 20s, I don’t know. But trust me, I regretted it. I regret not being braver, and I regret ever telling Sebastian how I felt. Because I have to wonder if he ever really loved you, or just wanted to shove it in my face that he was better than me. That he won. Kind of like with the NHL. He knew that was my dream and he just wanted to get there first.”

  “I'm sorry, Sven. I wish I had known. Sebastian never came to my plays—he thought it was a stupid hobby. If I had known you cared… maybe things could be different. I wish you’d said something.”

  “Well, I'm saying things now, Mary, and I'll try to keep saying all the things. I'm tired of being quiet, it never got me anywhere in life. It was torture watching you be with him, but I was happy for you guys, because he was my brother and I thought he deserved a great girl like you. And you seemed happy, too, and that was all that mattered. But I was wrong. He didn’t have good intentions. He was just playing both of us. That’s why he took me shopping for that ring—because he knew it was killing me inside.”

  Tilting my head up, I place a kiss on his jaw. “Sven, I think a lot of girls end up with the loudest guy instead of the guy with the biggest heart. I’m sorry that I didn’t try to get to know you better, back then. I was young, and I didn’t know much about people. But I wish I had tried.”

  “It’s not your fault. Once Sebastian made a move on you, I gave up and backed off. Because that’s what a good brother is supposed to do. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you as much as possible, for years, so you wouldn’t know how I felt. Until last week when I saw you crying on the couch and had to make sure you were okay.”

  “You made me okay,” I tell him. “You picked me up and polished me off and made me feel brand new again.” I smile sadly. “Look, it sucks, okay? Our mistakes suck, big time. But we’ll fix it now. We’re older and wiser, and we’ll do it all over again, everything we should have done, but even better than it would have been before.”

  “We lost so many years,” Sven says. “Because of me.”

  “Bullshit,” I say, and I climb over his lap, straddling him. I take his face in both of my hands and press a kiss against his lips, followed by a bright smile. “We haven’t lost any time. We lived, and loved, and learned, and we’re going to have a wonderful life. Right? We earned having an awesome future, thanks to those screw ups.”

  He growls, placing his hands on my hips tugging me closer to return the kiss. His lips explore and devour mine, seeking and kneading, his teeth teasing and nipping at my bottom lip. His fingers dig into my sides as he pulls my hips against him hungrily. “How am I going to wait a month for you to come back from Minnesota? I’ve already waited my whole damn life for you.”

  The romance of those words washes over me like the first sip of a really delicious hot chocolate on an icy day. The way it just floods your body with warmth, all through your spine and down to the tips of your fingers and toes. I can only stare at his face and feel insanely thankful, like this breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me.

  Sebastian was a practical choice, the sort of guy you feel you should be w
ith because it make sense on paper. Everyone is impressed by a professional athlete. Plus, he was so outgoing and charming in how hard he pursued me, that I didn’t even have time to make a choice. I just went along with it because if he was trying that hard to get with me, surely it meant he really cared? That he would stick around? I didn’t realize that I was just the subject of a hunting competition—a prize turkey he was trying to put on the table for Thanksgiving dinner. Or a reindeer with really cool antlers. He captured me and then he moved on. It was just for sport.

  I never felt it in my bones, the way I do with Sven. I never felt my whole body completely melting into someone else with trust. I never felt such scorching desire make my blood boil that I thought I was going to die if I didn’t have him. It took me several hours to calm down yesterday, and get my skin to cool down from molten lava to a reasonable temperature.

  Maybe this is the way it was supposed to feel all along.

  When my phone rings, it takes me a second to orient myself. I have almost forgotten where I am, sitting here and making out with Sven. I mumble a thanks when he hands me my phone, which he found beneath a pile of clothing.

  I see that it is my mother, and I answer it, without getting off Sven. I’m way too comfortable to move.

  “Hey, Mom,” I say, putting it on speaker so I don’t have to hold it up to my ear.

  “Hey, sweetie!” she says in a singsong voice. “Eve just called and told me that you’re coming home sooner than planned. That really eases my mind. Things have just been a bit crazy around here. But I didn’t want to ask and disrupt your life—I feel so horrible.”

  “You’re not disrupting anything, Mom,” I tell her as I nuzzle against Sven. “I’m happy to come home sooner than planned. It’s no trouble at all.”

  “Baby, I just wanted to ask if Sebastian was coming with you?”

  I freeze. Shit.

  “It’s just your dad, honey. You know—he hasn’t been in the best health. I just think it would really cheer him up to meet your fiancé. His life has always revolved around you kids, and just seeing you happy and engaged. Knowing we could have grandkids soon! Well, it just might give him something to look forward to. A reason to live.”